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December 11, 2012
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(Contains: violence/gore)
The odor of soot and burning flesh filled the halls. Screams of the falsely accused echoed throughout every corridor and room. The inquisition had begun. I run through the burning halls with all my speed. A few dremora follow behind me. As I am about to exit the crumbling hallway the ceiling above me gives way and comes crashing down, obstructing the path before me.
"How are we going escape?!" Ashmur  beckoned.
I look around my surroundings for an alternate route away from danger. "There!" I point towards an unopened door leading into Boethiah's arena. My group and I charge towards the door. I hold my arm out in the air before me with an open palm. A charge of blue energy manifests itself in my hand, its released from my palm an blows the double doors off their hinges. We enter the arena where fifty or more of Boethiah's followers are slaughtered. The foul stench forces me to grasp my nose. My group scans the arena for a way out.

"The castle is going to be destroyed, we don't have much time!" I shout. From the stands I see the only way out. It is to go down into the beast's pit and exit though the iron gate. I help lower each member of my group into the pit, they then run for the large iron gate. Using what strength we have left, we lift the iron gate up. One by one we crawl under the metal structure into the holding cells. My groups stops as we have made it past one area of the castle.


"Wait." Ashmur says. "Do you hear that?"

"What is it?" By now my heart is pumping and I can feel the pressure of imminent death prowling the minds of my group.

"The beasts have been released." He whispers.


I nod my head and look ahead to the path before us. All of the cell and cage doors have been opened. The chances of my group escaping the castle have been cut in half. In one hand I draw my sword and ready myself with defensive spells to cast in my other hand. The rest of my group prepares themselves with whatever weapons they have. Ashmur takes the lead of the group now. Slowly and quietly he leads us in to the dim lit chamber.


"Watch your steps." He warns us.


Ashmur had always been stronger than me physically. What he lacked in the school of magic, he made up for in physical and battle prowess.  He held the title of Razenbor, an advisor to Boethiah's generals. Ashmur is the strongest warrior Boethiah has in his army. Looking at him with his greatsword drawn, reminds me of when he lead a pack of us in an assault against a camp of Stendarr worshipers. We razed the camp to the ground and left no survivors. They stood no chance against us, even with their enchanted and augmented blades and armor from the College of Winterhold. The vigils of the camp begged for their lives, they offered to join Boethiah's cults and to renounce Stendarr as their god. Pitiful. Ashmur ordered that they shall be tortured  and finally burned alive. The once holy and pure place was corrupted and made into an offering ground to Boethiah. The grounds were ripe with death.
At the end of the chamber we could see light. We still had quite a way to go but we were still alive. Ashmur signaled us to stop our movement. The sound of rattling chains and grunts grew louder now that we stopped out movement. We swiftly moved towards a wall opposite to a hallway. I could see Ashmur peer around corner. The expression on his face showed signs of despair. The fear that has been festering in me began to show. The hand grasping my sword begins to shake, I sheath my sword because I fear that I might drop it and doom us all.

"What is it?" A curious dremora asked Ashmur.

"Weaver snares." He answered.

Weaver snares were daedric hounds. Their bottom jaw is filled with razor sharp teeth and their blood burns hotter than acid. They are large in body and are very agile. Ashmur slowly peers again from the corner to assess our situation. I slowly step towards him and ask him what our next move is. He tells me that there is a pack of them and that they're feasting on dead dremora.


"The gap we must cover to the exit is too far. They'll kill us if we don't come up with something better than just running."

I pause and look at the ground before me before I respond. "Just be ready to head for the door once I give the signal.


I walk away from Ashmur and gently make my way towards the pack of weaver snares. With each step my heart beats faster, I'm alone in this plan I have. There is no time for thinking, I must act now. My hands radiate with energy; the weavers take notice of the strokes of light flowing from my hands. A few of the charge at me full force. I raise one hand and release a shockwave of energy from my palm. Two weavers are thrown against the floor and one hits a wall hard. Ashmur takes this as the sign to lead the group to the gate. I continue my barrage of lightening and fire at the beasts. Ashmur  calls me by name as he runs towards to help me. We fight off the weavers until we make out way to the gate and lock it shut. The iron door leads to a staircase to the back of the castle.  
We make it to the top of the staircase and brush through the door. That's when my heart had sank. Before me I look upon the dead members of my group. Their necks are slit open and their robes are stained and torn. I look up and see a group of ten or more daedric knights surrounding what I feared most.

"There you are." Molag Bal says.
:iconkillerkiona:
The first part of the Blood & Shadows series. I would like to continue this series if it goes well.

Enjoy!

Characters and settings © 2011 Bethesda Softworks LLC
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:iconheronwolf:
Hello there!

First off I'd like to say that the way you start the chapter captures the reader's attention (or at least mine), thanks to the description of the halls, screams and the fact that they are running. So well done so far.

As far as comments go, I noticed one thing in particular. When you describe Ashmur, you start using a lot of names that are not known to a first-time reader (Boethiah, Razenbor, Stendarr, College of Winterhold, dremora, daedric hounds, etc.). Be careful not to state too many races, places or titles too soon as the reader might get confused. For example you could omit the titel of Razenbor, or that the armour came from the College and I wouldn't think it missing much. I know you want to show and describe the world you created, but you don't have to do it all in the first chapter, or even novel for that matter. You can always do so later in other chapters if you find it necessary.

There are some minor grammar mistakes, but not many. Also be mindful of the POV you use to tell the story. If it's a first person perspective and we see what the narrator feels, sees and says, stick to it, e.g.: 'Weaver snares." He answered, should be "Weaver snares," he answers.

These are my suggestions, I hope they help. A great start for a story, wonder what happens next ;-)
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:iconikestrel:
~iKestrel Dec 11, 2012  Hobbyist
OOOOOOOOOOOHHH!!!!! give me more please! :iconmoarplz:
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:iconkillerkiona:
*KillerKiona Dec 12, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Already got part 2! ^_^ Just click on the link.

[link]
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:iconikestrel:
~iKestrel Dec 12, 2012  Hobbyist
OOOOOOOKKKK! On it!
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:iconkillerkiona:
*KillerKiona Dec 11, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow! you actually like my story? :iconconfusedplz:
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:iconikestrel:
~iKestrel Dec 12, 2012  Hobbyist
Yes,i do
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